


The man who’s gonna marry you (make you feel alive)

by dearericbittle (dutchmoxie)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Fluff, M/M, Matchmaking, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 16:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dutchmoxie/pseuds/dearericbittle
Summary: Only Finstock could marry the wrong people. Only Greenberg could fill out the papers wrong, but Finstock didn’t even check. It was like he wanted Stiles to be married to Derek Hale. And no one would want that, except maybe… Stiles.





	The man who’s gonna marry you (make you feel alive)

**Author's Note:**

> There was an article about a wedding accident that lead to the witnesses being married instead of the bride and groom, and well... I nominated myself to write it. 
> 
> Thanks to the discord peeps for brainstorming for/with me ;)
> 
> Next up: 3 Sterek week fics. Wish me luck!

When Scott and Kira get engaged, no one – literally no one – is surprised. When Scott tells his best friend that they are going to elope, however, Stiles is really surprised. Because what about Kira’s family? Her parents are the only family living in the state, possibly even the country. And sure, Scott doesn’t give a damn if his dad is there for his wedding, but Stiles has always thought Scott’s ridiculous romanticism is going to lend itself to some ridiculous fairytale wedding. 

Now if Stiles is the one telling people he is eloping… it won’t be the elopement they’d be surprised about. They’d be surprised he ever managed to convince anyone to tie themselves to him for the rest of his life. Because as usual, Stiles is pathetically and permanently single. 

Literally no one is surprised. 

Least of all Finstock, who is apparently the perfect person to marry Scott and Kira. Scott has had had some terrible ideas over the last few years, but this is definitely taking the cake. Well, no, okay, maybe trying to repair his friendship with fucking Theo is actually the worst of Scott’s ideas. Worst ever. Because fuck that guy. 

So, yeah, Finstock. Surprise elopement. Paperwork filled out wrong, and now he’s Stiles Hale. M. Hale? Mieczyslaw “Stiles” Stilinski-Hale? He hasn’t decided yet. 

And he probably shouldn’t, because there’s clearly been a terrible mistake and it isn’t like he’s actually married to Derek. It’s just on paper, really. It’s basically a Green Card marriage, only they’re both American (okay, Stiles is more than a little Polish too). And those movies always end in romance – or is that just the movie with the French guy his Mom loved so much?

His mom would have loved this. She would have laughed her ass off. She would have welcomed Derek to the family with a smug little grin on her face and made his Dad uncomfortable with all of her stupid jokes about the wedding night. 

“We’re married,” Derek just stands there, processing all of this. 

“We sure are, honeybear,” Stiles grins at him, seeing an opportunity to mess with him. “No… Honeywolf? You’re not much of a sourwolf these days, honey. Babe. Swee- Babe.” 

That was a close one - anytime someone says the word sweetheart Derek seems to flinch, and while he doesn’t think anyone has noticed, Stiles has. Stiles sees everything. Especially when it comes to Derek, because well… has he mentioned that he’s pretty much been in love with Derek for half a dozen years now? 

Fuck, wait. He is married to the man he loves. If only Derek loved him back. And the marriage was real. But mostly that first bit. 

“Shut up, Stiles,” Derek sounds more fond when he says that these days. 

But they can work on that, right? Or is that him projecting again? He’s done that before. 

Derek is no Lydia, though. And he means that in the best way. Stiles doesn’t idolize him, doesn’t put him on any pedestals, and doesn’t try to force himself past Derek’s boundaries. He has no fifteen year plan to make Derek return his feelings, he doesn’t discuss his feelings with Scott or with anyone else. No one even knows how he feels, not even the wolves. 

This time, he is content to pine from a distance. All he wants is for Derek to be happy. Sure, Stiles could make him happy, he thinks, maybe. But that’s on Derek, because he’s had too many choices taken away from him already. 

“Shutting up, hubby,” Stiles can’t resist the opportunity to get another dig in. 

Of course that makes Derek roll his eyes at him, but that just means they’re bantering. And that has long since lost the heat it had when Stiles was in high school and Derek was freshly traumatized and a fucking mess. Sure, sometimes Stiles jacks off thinking about Derek just grabbing him and pushing him against a wall and kissing him senseless - but mostly he’s just happy to see how far they have come since then. 

They are friends now, actually friends. After they went back to Beacon Hills, after Stiles’ FBI internship… wasn’t really what he thought it would be… Things changed. 

Derek’s presence in Beacon Hills isn’t temporary, like Stiles totally hadn’t worried about at all. No, Derek intends to stay, to actually stay and help them deal with the things that go bump in the night. He got his mission with Chris Argent out of the way and then he came back - for good. To stay, just when Stiles had decided to stick with a nearby college. 

The things were not and still are not related, he vows, not even five years later. He vows to himself, because no one knows enough to even call that into question. Not even Scott, which is probably a huge violation of all of the best friend rules they’d established in elementary school. 

“The luckiest man in the world,” Derek rolls his eyes once again. “The best day of my life.” 

Scott just stands there for some reason, barely even upset that his wedding to Kira turned into a farce straight out of a slapstick performance - turned into Stiles’ wedding to Derek with just a wrongly filled out form. Because fucking Greenberg. Naturally. 

Shouldn’t Scott be freaking out about this? 

“Well, honey,” Scott just smiles at Kira. “Guess we’re meant to have a big wedding after all.”

It is disgustingly Scott of him, and Stiles loves that idiot so much. Kira is perfect for him, all mischief and spark and happiness. She is not too hard or harsh for him, makes Scott all gooey and soft and dopey indoors, where he doesn’t have to be in charge all the time. She gives him a safe haven and she makes him smile so damn much when they thought he never would, after Allison, and after Malia just… left. She went off into the woods one day, and didn’t come back. She left a note for Scott, the contents of which remain secret. 

Three months after, Derek came back from a brief visit to his family’s old cabin with an arm wrapped around Kira’s shoulders, laughing like total dorks - talking rapidly at each other in Japanese. Because apparently Derek speaks like, 6 languages, and that is totally not something that turns Stiles on, okay?

Shut up werewolf noses. 

“Hey Der-Wolf,” Kira’s eyes give off a slight orange glow under the lights. “Where are you going for your honeymoon? Only the best for your boo.” 

Derek groans, and facepalms only to hide the smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. It is ridiculously attractive, and Stiles is sure that his heart skips a beat at the sight of… his husband. 

His actual fucking husband. 

“Aw, babe,” he goes along with it, hoping to keep that smile on Derek’s face. “You know I’m not a gold digger. But I wouldn’t say no to a vacation. Just the two of us, clothing optional.” 

Is his thirst showing? Probably. He’s going to have to tone it down a little in the future, even if this joke is just received with smiles and laughter from everyone - except Finstock, who’s rolling his eyes at how Bilinski (yeah, that one stuck) is angling for a date with his own damn husband. 

“I’d be blinded by the reflection of your pale skin,” Derek isn’t trying to be an actual asshole. “If you love me as much as you claim, you wouldn’t do that to me, right… Boo?” 

Sure, the nickname was awkward and hesitant, but Derek is definitely keeping up with the banter, and Stiles is fucking delighted. Because a happy Derek is a gorgeous Derek, and he looks so damn pleased with himself that he’s even more of a gift from the Gods than he usually is. Which is really saying something. 

“Asshole,” Stiles says lovingly.

“Yes dear,” Derek grins at him again. 

This is where he’s supposed to crack a joke about a divorce, right? That’s what he’s supposed to do, joke about how much he needs a divorce right this second. But both Scott and Derek would hear the lie in his voice. And Scott would be surprised, and Derek would be flattered yet firm in his rejection. And there would be pity in Kira’s eyes and Greenberg would have ammunition to make fun of him for the rest of his life. And just… Greenberg! 

“Guess we should change the reservation,” Scott is forcibly casual. 

That is definitely tripping his ‘Scott is definitely up to something and trying not to give the game away’ radar. He’s heard Scott use this on Melissa for most of their lives, and sometimes on the Sheriff as well, but they have always been able to see through it, unfortunately. 

But would he really do it to Stiles? 

“Just change the names,” Kira is going along with it too easily. “Mr. and Mr. Hale? Stilinski? Stilinski-Hale?” 

She’s just spitballing, but it fits in with his own internal monologue all too well, and it kills him that he’s even thinking about it. Because it’s a hypothetical. Because this isn’t real, and it never will be. Because that’s not what Derek wants. 

“We’re hyphenating,” Derek has apparently decided for the both of them. “Stiles would never give up his last name, and my name still opens up a lot of doors for the pack and… it’s a connection to our families. So…” 

Here he trails off, staring wide-eyed at Stiles as if he is the one who presented that surprisingly well thought-out reasoning. That he is completely right about - Stiles doesn’t want to give up the Stilinski, but he knows that Derek doesn’t want to lose that connection to his family either. If Derek asked, he’d be Stiles Hale in a heartbeat, though.

“I have the smartest husband,” Stiles teases, trying not to gloat too much. “But I’m only taking that hotel room if there’s a hot tub and rose petals. Dealbreakers. Sorry not sorry.” 

There is no way that there is an actual hotel room, right? He hasn’t heard Scott mention it, and his best friend tells him everything. Stiles is pretty sure that Scott and Kira decided to save money for their actual honeymoon - to Japan, because Scott wants to meet every member of Kira’s family and learn all about her culture. Like a dork. In love. 

They’re so fucking adorable that Stiles can’t stand it. That might be a bit of jealousy talking, though. 

“It’s the honeymoon suite,” Scott is grinning now, and it’s a bad sign. “Of course it does.” 

Fuck, seriously? They actually did? And he just had to open his big mouth and make promises that Derek surely has no intention to keep. 

But he’s leaving it to Derek to say no, to break it off. Stiles has no intention of being the one who makes the first move here - or anywhere, in relation to Derek. Derek has all the cards here, because he deserves that, he deserves to make the choice here. Stiles would honestly be happy either way (sort of), as long as Derek is happy. 

“What do you say, hubster?” Stiles is using every ridiculous nickname he can think of. “Want me to get my pale butt into that hot tub with you? Spend our wedding night the right way?” 

Of course he’s thinking about his actual wedding night with Derek, the one that he will never have. He’s thinking about the stupid rose petals leading to the gigantic bed, the cheesiness of it all making Derek smile and maybe even blush a little. He’s thinking about them both naked in the hot tub, slick skin pressed together as they kiss, ringed fingers entangled because why would he ever want to let go. 

(Rings, they don’t have rings. So clearly they’re not actually married. Yeah, it’s not like they can just go to a jewelry store and… wishful thinking. That’s just wishful thinking.)

He looks at Derek, trying to make it obvious that haha this is just a stupid joke, that’s just that Stilinski charm, please don’t think that Stiles is hopelessly in love with him and wants to stay married because that would just be  _ ridiculous _ . 

Derek’s nostrils are flaring. “Stiles.” 

“Derek,” he returns, never able to refuse a perceived challenge.

This is the weirdest game of gay chicken he’s ever played, and he didn’t even know he was playing until Finstock handed Scott the marriage certificate and Scott saw that the names were filled out wrong. 

“You may now kiss the groom,” Kira mutters under her breath, breaking the spell. 

Shit, why are they even standing so close together? How did that happen? Sure, whenever he banters with Derek, Stiles just kind of focuses on him until the rest of the world is kind of blurry and he can’t see anything but Derek. And yes, sometimes he has to get in a bit closer to get the right effect on Derek, to actually get to see those hidden smiles. And yes, occasionally their banter ends in strictly no-homo (ugh, the worst term) touching, an arm wrapped around Stiles’ shoulders or Stiles’ long fingers poking at Derek’s side to get him to move already.

That damn werewolf brick wall refuses everytime, just to be contrary. Of course. 

“Bilinski,” Finstock addresses him directly. “I’m not pronouncing that monstrosity you call a name.” 

Sure, he can’t blame the coach for that, though really Mieczyslaw is far from the worst Polish name his parents could have saddled him with. Przemyslaw was in the running, and he knows the American would have been far more freaked out at seeing three consonants in a row. So, actually, he doesn’t mind Mieczyslaw much these days. 

But that’s so not the point here. Especially not when this is Coach, the guy who still hasn’t managed to use his right last name. Probably not ever. 

“Okay, Coach,” Stiles says, nonplussed. 

“Do you take Derek Sebastian Hale to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Finstock drones, a slightly manic grin on his face. 

He freezes in his tracks, because… he’s heard that question before. In his stupid dreams. 

“You gotta say I do, kid,” Finstock continues. “Marriage is more than a piece of paper, you know. You have to work for it. That’s what my husband always says, anyway.” 

So much new information. His brain isn’t even - Finstock? Husband? 

Wait a minute. Finstock is offering to make the marriage legit? Like, Derek and him, him and Derek, actually legally married with a whole ceremony and everything? Or just the most important bits interspersed with awkwardly inspirational quotes from random movies? This is actually happening, right now?

He pinches himself harshly, and pouts when it hurts. He was a bit too enthusiastic there. 

“You are such a clutz,” Derek says fondly, a hand on his arm to draw out the pain. 

Which is… new-ish? Sure, Derek has done this to him before when bad things happened and Stiles was actually injured. But this? This is nothing. Okay, apparently a sharp edge on his nail actually cut into his skin and he is bleeding a bit, but compared to all of the ridiculous stuff they’ve been through together, Derek should know better. He should know that Stiles doesn’t need help with the small aches and pains. 

It’s… It’s sweet though. And absentmindedly fond in a way that makes Stiles still, even when his entire body feels like it’s buzzing, fizzling, crackling with tension. 

“Wow,” Greenberg is awed. 

“Told you,” Scott mutters in return. 

Seriously, he’s going to get Scott to reveal his plans to him. Soon. But maybe… after the wedding night? After he’s had a bit of time to process all of this. 

“You knew that when you married me,” Stiles triumphantly pats Derek on the shoulder. 

Once again, Derek smiles, and Stiles is just so stupidly happy right now. He can deal with the pain later, the kind that Derek won’t be able to take away. 

And later, he can blame that stupid happiness for what he does next. 

“I do,” he directs at Finstock. 

For several precious seconds, there’s just crickets. Stiles can feel his heart pounding in his throat, and he genuinely thinks that everyone can hear it, that’s how loud it is. Especially compared to the complete lack of sound coming from everyone else. 

“Derek Hale,” Finstock breaks the silence. “Now, you totally don’t have to, because I know Bilinski is a handful, but do you take-” 

“I do.” 

The pinch worked, so clearly he isn’t dreaming. And one, two, three, four, five fingers on both of his hands, so. It’s… not a dream.

So how is this even happening? Is this a practical joke? Is Derek trying to mess with Scott - if so, kudos for the thought behind it, but he wishes Derek would discuss his plans with Stiles before going off half-cocked. They’ve fought about this before, and totally will again. 

Married couple fights, he now realizes. Disgustingly married couple fights. 

“By the power vested in me by a random website on the Internet,” Finstock continues on as if the rug hasn’t just been pulled from under Stiles’ entire world. “I pronounce you husband and husband. Put us all out of our misery and kiss already. The UST is killing all of us.” 

All? As in… His brain isn’t even working anymore. They can bring out Ashton Kutcher and the cameras now, and any other time he’d be murdering himself for the stupid dated reference, but right now all he can do is stare into Derek’s ridiculous kaleidoscope eyes and wait for things to make sense again. If they ever will again. 

“What the actual fuck,” Stiles knows he’s screeching, voice cracking. “We’re married!” 

Ugh, he’s an old married man and somehow he still manages to sound like the stupid asshole teenager he was when he first met Derek. It has been… Seven years, since then? Eight, maybe. He hasn’t exactly marked the date in his calendar - though he probably should have. 

Sixteen year old Stiles had no idea that he was going to get here. 

“I know,” Derek is just standing there, staring at him. “You said I do.” 

“You did too,” Stiles can feel himself ramping up for an argument. 

Because Derek doesn’t even sound angry at this, and Stiles just cannot deal. His defense is childish more than anything, trying to lash out before things (mostly Derek) get taken away from him. He wants this, wants to have this, wants to keep. He covets, and he’s never let himself do that before, not to this extent. 

“Because you did it first,” Derek hasn’t even made it sound like an argument. “How could I say no after that?” 

He is completely genuine, not a trace of sarcasm, not that Stiles can sense anyway. And can it really be that simple? All he had to do was say yes? 

“You want to…,” he trails off.

“Kiss my husband?” Derek laughs, looking startled at the word he just used. “Yes.” 

Oh, right, Derek is his husband and traditionally there’s kissing to celebrate that. And carrying him over thresholds (Derek has already proven he’s capable of the bridal carry, and Stiles will happily play the blushing bride just this once). And lots and lots of honeymoon sex, he’s sure that has to be a law somewhere.

Sex with Derek. Actual sex with Derek. 

His brain is shorting out - again. This can’t be happening. This is too easy. There are no monsters to fight, no lives ruined, no bloodshed. Just an honest misunderstanding slipping them into happiness so easily that he has no idea why they haven’t done this before. 

But… it can’t be that easy. 

“This is ridiculous, Derek,” Stiles flails, and then flails some more to emphasize his point. “We’re not even dating. And we’re married now. And that’s great. Like, the stuff of my dreams, but we can’t just be married, right? My dad is going to kill me, you get that, right? And then he’ll kill yo-” 

Derek pulls him close before he can finish that sentence, and he’s lost for words - a first, he hears his mental Scott voice tease. It’s just that Derek is holding him and he’s smiling and maybe this is a dream but it’s a fucking great one and he doesn’t ever want to wake up. 

But he’s only got ten fingers and he’s counted like three times, so. Real? Real. 

“You really think your dad wasn’t in on this?” Scott is spilling the beans without being prompted, like an idiot. “He was first in line to say that the pining just had to stop.” 

Okay, so this was all part of the plan? All of it? The whole elopement, just to make sure that Stiles and Derek dealt with their apparently mutual feelings? That’s actually kind of impressive, which means that Scott is not the mastermind here - he’d put all his money on Kira. 

There’s a high five between the engaged couple that proves him right. 

“Do you really think things are going to get better?” Derek is setting up a joke or snarky comment of some kind, Stiles can tell. “I no longer have a reason to keep my hands off Stiles, and with your sense of smell… You’re going to get a lot of information you don’t want.” 

Scott actually pales, and Stiles just about dies laughing, because clearly Scott has not considered the consequences of his actions. Or… not  _ those _ consequences. 

Stiles is still smiling when Derek finally (fucking finally) leans in for a kiss. Derek probably intends to start out with a quick peck, but Stiles refuses to let their first kiss (as a married couple) be anything other than epic. So seconds before their lips meet, he leaps up, knowing that Derek will always catch him. He wraps his legs around Derek’s waist and arches an eyebrow, waiting for Derek to make his move. 

“There’ll be no living with you after this,” Derek traces Stiles’ smug smirk with the tips of his fingers. 

That earns him an eye-roll and an aborted movement at biting those fingers. Derek laughs and finally lets their lips meet. And it’s… perfect. They haven’t lined up quite perfectly, especially since they’re both smiling when it starts, but the smiles fade when more of their focus goes into the kiss. Derek’s mouth is hot and wet and perfect, and Stiles is already looking forward to the scruff burn he’ll undoubtedly have after this. Perfect. 

When Scott coughs pointedly, Stiles is halfway tempted to get tongues involved, but instead he simply waits another five seconds or so before pulling back from Derek. Not that he’s letting go completely, he’s still wrapped around his husband like a limpet. His! Husband! 

“I get it,” Scott sighs. “Mission accomplished. Now, would you like dinner before you go to the hotel or is this going to be a room service type of deal?” 

Does Scott have any idea of who he’s dealing with? Derek is the biggest troll Stiles knows, and he’s just waiting for everyone else to figure that out. Well, Kira knows - she knows her best friend all too well, and she’s currently staring at Scott with an indulgent grin, because she knows exactly what is going to happen next. 

“I don’t think we’ll be fit to go out in public for a while,” Derek looks perfectly innocent. 

Scott groans at the mental images - and at what he must be smelling right at that moment. Stiles is just so damn proud of his husband. His husband! 

“Let’s go, Der,” he says, fondly. “I’m sure Scott has arranged for everything we need at the hotel. The Beacon Grand, I’m sure?” 

Kira affirms, and wishes them well. And while Stiles has no intention of acknowledging that Finstock and Greenberg are still present, Derek genuinely thanks them both for the ridiculous farce they helped perpetrate. While still holding on to Stiles, because he’s an asshole. 

They ignore the inspirational speech Finstock starts on, and Derek practically runs off when he sees the panicked look on Stiles’ face as Finstock begins to tell the tale of how he and his husband discovered they were sexually compatible. 

“Hey, husband,” Derek finally puts Stiles down when they get to the car. 

“Yes, husband?” Stiles is just as delighted to be able to use that word. 

Stiles just knows that he is going to pretend Derek doesn’t have a name for the foreseeable future, just calling him ‘husband’ and telling people about how his husband did such and such last night. And if people were surprised, well… Sucks to be them. 

Because he’s stupidly happy, even though it all went so fast and… he’s so happy. 

“I really am the luckiest man in the world,” Derek is smiling warmly, an embarrassed blush crawling up his stubbled cheeks. 

“Gross,” Stiles mocks before leaning in to kiss Derek again. 

The hot tub is as wonderful as he expected it to be. Possibly even better, now that he actually has a hot (naked!) husband to share it with. No rings, yet, but that’s not something they need to worry about right that second. They don’t need to worry about anything, apparently. 

Well, except for payback. But revenge is best left for the morning, surely. 


End file.
